


The Downswing

by skybean



Series: bipolar!seidou fics [1]
Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Bipolar Disorder, Bipolar Seidou, Depressive Episode, Gen, Mental Health Issues, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-12
Updated: 2016-01-12
Packaged: 2018-05-13 11:51:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 636
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5706676
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/skybean/pseuds/skybean
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When he gets low like this, he'll forget what it was like to be happy; he picks at his own imperfections, externalizes them until he tries to hang himself at the tender age of fourteen.  And then, once his sister called for the ambulance, Seidou gets to deal with an incorrect diagnosis, and a well-meaning, but overbearing family.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Downswing

**Author's Note:**

> hi i'm connor i'm bipolar i love seidou so therefore im making him Just Like Me

“Let me see your wrists.”

Michie’s holding out her hands for her fourteen year old son’s own.  Seidou looks less than thrilled with this prospect; this isn’t the first time today she’ll check him for self-harm, nor will it be the last.

It was only two weeks ago she thought she lost her eldest child, after all.

“If I was trying to kill myself again, I wouldn’t be cutting my wrists open,”  Seidou’s voice is flat, and he listens for the sounds of Seina.  His sister’s only eleven; she’s still in elementary school.  He already made her upset enough, with her being the one to find him and her being the one to call the ambulance.

She doesn’t need to hear Seidou begin another fight with their mother.

“Seidou--are you going to kill yourself?”  Michie’s question comes automatically, even as Seidou puts his wrists out to pass his mother’s inspections.

He’s burning his thighs.  She’ll never notice.

The doctor at the hospital said he was depressed.  Seidou’d be apt to believe him, if this “depression” didn’t more feel like he’s just empty and angry.  It’s mostly at himself, though; for missing time in class, for being so worthless that he has to play catch-up with  _ perfect Akira _ again.

He takes his wrists away and picks his backpack back up and walks upstairs.  He goes to knock on the door to Seina’s room, but he can hear her crying.  Great.  She had heard.   _ Idiot _ .  Why was he such an idiot?

“Seina?  I love you.”  His voice is soft, and Seidou doesn’t wait for an answer, merely ducking into his bedroom.

He knows he should do his homework.  But he feels like he’s drowning--like there’s ice wrapped around his chest, like it’s choking him and he’s going under on something he can’t really stop, even if he wanted to.

All he wants to do is sleep.  But Seidou quietly pulls out his homework and begins to stare at it.  He knows he knows the answers, but the effort of putting answers on paper is so much, and--

Do this assignment, Seidou tells himself, beginning to slowly write as he cards a hand through his messy hair, do this one, and then nap.

That’s how he motivates himself through his homework.  Do it all.  Then nap.  He’s vaguely aware that it’s dinner time--his mom having called him twice now, the second time with increased worry--but all he wants is to sleep.  (For the rest of his life, ideally.  But, he supposed, if he couldn’t enjoy the sweet embrace of death sleep, he’d take a nap.)

There’s knocking on his door, and Michie walking in before Seidou even really has a chance to acknowledge her response.

Seidou puts up a weak smile, and he lets his mother hug him.

“You had me worried there, for a moment,”  she murmured, running a hand through her hair.  “I can’t lose you, Seidou.”

He feels like garbage, for making his mother worry.  So he wraps his arms around her and says softly,  “Sorry.  Didn’t mean to.  Was gonna nap.  M’not hungry.  I’ll heat up leftovers or something later, if I do get hungry.”

Michie takes that answer for what it is.  “At least try to eat a little.  It’s already seven…  There’s no point in you napping now, when you can just go to bed early.  Besides, you need to walk the puppy.”

Seidou sighs softly, but nods.  “Okay.  I can do that.”

He manages to walk the puppy for ten minutes, barely out the door and back, and he manages to eat a little bit of food.  Says hello to Seina again, gives her a hug.

Seidou wishes he wasn’t garbage.  That he could muster up the energy to feel again.

Oh, he’d love to be happy again.


End file.
